And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize