Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
