first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
