I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
