I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Houston, we have a blender
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
