Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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