I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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