I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
