if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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