i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
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