I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
