Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
