i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm too high and old for this...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
