11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
