ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
