I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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