I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
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And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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