You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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