Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
