You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
