He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
