Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
