dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
