smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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