i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
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Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
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Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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