you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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