He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
