i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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