I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
