I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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