I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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