I hate your face
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
