i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
not ubering you a puppy
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
