Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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