RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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