so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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