Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
