who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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