So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
