I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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