but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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