Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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