i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
someone owes me an orgasm
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT