It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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