When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
