dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
