So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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