it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
