So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
