I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You left your phone here
Wait...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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