i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
