I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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