She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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