Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
