If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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