I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
