Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
