I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
