dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
